Only the Lonely

As I am typing this blog, this song popped into my head and it really has nothing to do with my blog post. So, here is a catchy little tune for you listening enjoyment :)

I never understood depression, anxiety, sadness, or the feeling of loneliness until a few years ago. I was always the upbeat kid, teen, and adult. Always saying, what do you have to be depressed about? You have no reason to be depressed, sad, or lonely. I would say, "look at all you have and have going for you." I remember asking my mother about depression and telling her I just don't understand why so many say they are depressed. I told her that I understand being sad and down and out sometimes but I get over it fairly quick.

Becoming more of an adult with each birthday that comes and goes, I believe I have just a bit more understanding about depression. The fact is, no one who suffers from it really knows why they are depressed. Depression is a medical illness. I know that depression is not something most consider an illness, but it negatively affects how you act, how you feel, and how you think. If you have never battled with depression, it is hard to understand depression. It can take over your whole well-being.

As you can see in this picture to the left, all of the feelings that someone who suffers from depression might have running through their mind. When I look at this, I see all the negative feelings I felt not being in a state depression. Now multiply all of these feelings by like one thousand...that is depression as a medical illness in my opinion. Never tell someone with depression to just get over it. They can't.

Some have a heavier case of depression than others, I my opinion. I am no doctor. I am just speaking on behalf of experience with loved ones and my light depression. Depression makes you feel like you are alone even when you know you are not. It has nothing to do with who is there for you or with you. It's not the fact that you feel like you are actually alone, it is that you feel alone within your own self. Depression is something that we try to hide and don't want others knowing is part of us or our family. We are ashamed and ashamed to seek help. The truth is, we should never feel ashamed or make someone feel ashamed of something they have no control over.

A year or two ago I started having these emotions and feelings that I just couldn't control. I talked to friends and my mother about it. They told me I was probably perimenopausal. I was like...WHAT!!! I talked to one of my doctors and he ran a couple of test and said I had low testosterone level. Suggested I take medication for it. I opted out of taking medication. I continued with my change in emotions and not as happy and upbeat as I usually was. I began crying for no reason, wanted to just be alone. I would play the part when I had to of being happy, putting that smile on, and seeming as all was great and wonderful in Tonya's world. But, it wasn't. My sleep schedule is all haywire and still is. I don't sleep much and was told that comes with age too. It was time for me to go for my six month check-up with my regular doctor. I talked to him about it and started tearing up. He asked if I was depressed and my response was, "I don't know about depression and I have never been before." He asked some more questions and told me I was. I was in denial and tears started to run down my face. I had no clue about depression nor what to do about it. I was somewhat scared.

My doctor talked to me about it and said he was giving me a small dosage of medication to just knock the edge off. I didn't want to take it and he told me to try it first and if I don't like being on it, we would ween me off. I trust my doctor, he helped save my life in 2012. He told me anything that I have been through could cause the onset of this light depression I have. In the first picture I posted above, one of the first words I saw was trauma. It brought back a few memories of things that have happened to me within the (now) past 11 years. I didn't want to believe or accept what my doctor was telling me. I felt like everyone would look at me like "oh poor pitiful, Tonya", "what does she have to be depressed about", "move on, get over it all ready....the past is just that...the past." I didn't want the stigma of the word "depression" to run my life. I was ashamed that I could let this happen to me.

I don't like talking about myself or the issues/problems I have. I feel those are better not discussed. We do not air our business for all to see/read. I read a Facebook post of a high school friend the other night. It shined a light on what my next blog post should be about. Thanks GJK for shining that light my way! She talked about her medical conditions and why she talks about them. It is not to receive pity, sympathy, or gain attention of others. It is to help others, like me, not to be ashamed on any medical conditions we may have. No one is perfect, we all have underlying conditions of some sort. But we should never EVER feel ashamed. We should educate ourselves so that we may educate others. We all have a story, a testimony to share. Do not be afraid or ashamed to tell it. You never know who is listening, reading, or watching.

I will conclude with this:

I pray for myself and for others who suffer, like me, for being ashamed of their medical illness. I pray Lord, that You o'Lord will touch us even with just the corner of Your robe that we may be healed. We know in our hearts we do not walk this road alone, You are always with us. Sometimes we know this, but still feel alone. Help us, Lord, to educate ourselves, pray, seek help, find the doctors that will help us, not feed us full of medication and send us on our way. I know there are others with a much deeper depression than myself, I pray for them. I pray for the anxiety, loneliness, fear, and frustration to release hold of them. Lord, we need You in a mighty way. I love you, Lord Jesus, and I love my followers reading this. Bless them, Lord. Amen.